Of Hocus Pocus and Horcruxes
by the fish is dead
Summary: A parody of the Final Battle. Need I say more?


**Disclaimer**: You know the drill. 

I'm hoping this will be funny. It may not. Ah, well.

* * *

Harry Potter felt quite proud of himself. He had gotten rid of all the Hocruxes, and was now standing before Voldemort, wand raised. Yes, indeed, he was pleased. He really hadn't thought he would make it this far.

"So, the great Harry Potter is finally ready to duel me," Voldemort hissed. His eyes looked quite red indeed. Harry was sure there was a Visine for that.

"Oh, yes, I have," smiled Harry. He was sure the fear would kick in soon. He mused that he must look quite giddy. Perhaps that was why the whole Order was staring around him, looking quite dazed. Harry wondered, faintly, what they were doing there. He had ditched them quite abruptly in Chapter One, and he had no idea when they'd caught up.

"So ..." Voldemort looked at him pointedly, and the atmosphere suddenly felt quite awkward. Oh, dear. "...well...let's...duel, then..." Voldemort mumbled, drawing his wand and looking quite unsure. Harry sympathized. After all, this was only their second time.

Harry drew his wand with such _omph_ and _power_ and _dramatic effect _and _beauty_ that the whole Order gasped. Harry was starting to get a bit annoyed. _They_ hadn't helped find the Horcruxes. And come to think of it, neither had Ron and Hermione, who were standing in the corner, giggling and looking shyly at each other. They had been too wrapped up in almost-snogging-but-not that they stopped following him around after Chapter Five.

"Um ... _Avada Kedarva,_" said Voldemort, squinting his eyes, and licking his lips. Harry jumped away, and the curse hit Hestia Jones, who screamed and died. Ah, well. She never had any lines, really, anyways.

"That was mean. I liked her," said Harry, who really didn't. But he was supposed to like everyone. He was an empathetic character, remember? "_Avada Ke_- WAIT!" screamed Harry, halfway through the curse, his eyes wide. Voldemort sighed, and came out of the feedle position. He had been ready to die already.

Suddenly, like the impact of a train hitting you full on (not that you'd really know what that felt like, would you, 'cuz you'd be dead...), it came to Harry. Voldemort's greatest weakness. The strongest power of all. Everything Dumbledore had ever frigging told him. _Love._ Finally. Duh.

"Ginny!" he cried, grabbing the girl, (even though she was meters away) and thrusted her in front of himself. Ginny giggled, and said something sarcastic and not at all funny, because that's all she really does. "I love you," he gasped, and made-out with her for about aminute or so. Ron went all red and was distracted from Hermione for a second. He glared at the pair, not so much because of his protective older-brother complex, but because he had a secret incest-y crush on her all along.

Voldemort, meanwhile, had gotten quite bored, and was doodling idly the the dirt. Finally Harry stopped snogging the Girl-Who-Lived-to-Be-His-Love-Interest.

"There!" he cried at Voldemort, gesturing at Ginny again. "Your weakness! Love! I love her! Mwahahaha! See how that works," he added slyly, nudging the air beside him. Voldemort cringed.

"Hah!" answered Voldemort, quite passionately, if I do say so myself. "Do you really think that stuff bothers me? Why do you think I have a woman Death Eater, when I am so obviously biased and discriminating with other stuff?" As if to prove his point ... which he ... was ... Voldemort grabbed Bellatrix, again, out of thin air, and made-out with her.

A few people threw up.

Ron and Hermione just continued edging nearing to each other, staring at each other as though on weed.

"Oh." Harry noticed winced. What was he going to do now? Damn stupid Dumbledore.

As if on cue, Dumbledore himself appeared.

Harry clapped a hand to his mouth. "Dumbly!" he cried, tears in his eyes, and his previous angry towards the old man disappeared.

"Harry-poo!" answered Dumbledore, and they began running towards each other, flowers and hearts and candies and other pretty things being thrown around them as they neared each other in slow-motion. They embraced tightly, in a very wrong sort of matter. And thus, Harry/Dumbledore shippers were created! The embrace loosen, and they stared into each others eyes, beforing slowly closing in on each other faces, and then ...

Everyone looked away, groaning. "I knew he liked him more than he let on," said Sirius Black, who, much to the fan-girls delight, had magically appeared, and was as sexy as ever, before his Azkaban days.

And if anyone had been paying attention, they would have noticed that, at the sight of Dumbledore and Harry ... well, yeah ... Voldemort had screamed and disappeared in a gust of green wind (as it seemed to be a theme with him).

After Harry and Dumbledore were done, the whole Order looked upon them, smiling. "How did you survive?" asked Charlie Weasley, because he's cool and redheaded and hot.

"Well," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling so much the Order had to shield their eyes. "Snape's innocent, and actually didn't kill me, and I just pretended to be dead." He giggled. "You guys are soooo gulliable!"

Everyone's gaze was randomly turned to Tonks and Lupin, who, at the sight of everyone making-out, had started themselves, and were now rounding second. "Ew. What wee-urd chil-drun they'ull 'ave," murmured Fleur, who was just a meanie.

"I'm glad you've finally lost your virginity, Remus," winked Dumbledore, nudging the air, and twinkling his eyes in a maniac sort-of way.

Lupin blushed. It was creepy how he always knew these things.

An awkward silence passed over the group. No one had yet noticed Voldemort's demise. Hermione and Ron were now so close there noses were touching. Finally, Ginny, who was pissed off from seeing her boyfriend snog ... well, yeah ... pushed them together.

They locked lips for a moment, before Hermione's eyes snapped open and she pulled away. Ron was a really, really bad kisser. Not to mention an idiot. Sighing at her wasted years, she turned around and starting snogging Snape, who was randomly standing behind her, and of course, an excellent kisser, because what greasy git turned double agent wouldn't be.

And all was good in the world.


End file.
